Sex, and Self Worth

Along with everything else in my life, God has been smacking me right across the face with this. "Ouch, God I get it!, could you stop now this is starting to hurt, A LOT" God's response to me, "Good it needs to hurt, that means your finally facing it all, so you can be renewed and move past it" "Alright God fine give me everything you'vve got, I want to be done with this once and for all. SMACK. Wow now that ones a doosey!

Now whats this big doosey I'm talking about? Well that would be dependence, which ultimately leads to self worth. Ouch! Thats a sore subject. Every thought every memory of past relationships with males whether sexual or not, feels like someone poking a bruise you have had for awhile but don't realize it until someone touches it, painful. "You mean your not a virgin?!" Ah shock ....Buckle up it's gonna be a bumpy ride....

Sex. It was a big part of my past, and an even bigger part of my downfall. "Why didn't you wait?" Good question, one which I don't really have a good answer for. "If you really loved God you would have waited" Whoa whoa whoa back up a minute., first of all I loved God, I still do, with all of my heart. Secondly this is not a testament to how much I loved God but rather how much I loved myself at the time. I decided that God was holding out on me by making me wait, and I wanted to experience everything he was keeping me from. I put my desires above God's yes, but I NEVER stopped loving him. Instead I did what Adam and Eve did in the garden when they knew they had sinned, I tried to hide from God. Did it work? No. Did it cause me immense shame? Yes.

"So was this a one time thing with some so called 'love of your life', that hit it and quit it?" Wow, first of all where did you learn to talk like that? and secondly I would actually love to say that was the truth, but no. There was no love involved, there was no relationship involved, there was just sex. "That seems a little vulger, could you use less provocative terms?" No. Sorry but if you want to hear the truth then I am going to tell it to you just like it is. Honest and straight forward. Maybe then I can stop someone from making the same mistakes I did. So either take it how it is or don't listen. "That was a little rude" Hey, I'm just trying to be honest.

"So you were permiscuous?" To put it kindly, yes, thats exactly what I was. I thought I was benefiting myself by experiencing everything I could, drinking, partying, sleeping around. It's all part of college right? NO. This was my life that I was trampling all over it under the pretense that this is what this time is for. Ha. What a crock! " I was destroying myself. The drunker I got the less I cared about what I did and who I did it with. "So, wait now you are a drunk too? You are turning out to be a pretty awful person..." Well I guess I should expect you to be honest with me if I'm going to be honest with you, but that still stings the heart a little.Ok so you say I was an awful person, well to some degree yeah I was. I only cared about what I wanted, and I thought it only affected me. Turns out I was wrong. Go figure.

"Who else did you affect, with your path of destruction?" Ok, ok you don't have to stab the knife even deeper in, I get it you don't think too kindly about my past. I'll let you in on a little secret ...neither do I. back to your question, Well for starters the people around me with the way I talked and acted, and then of course the men involved. The pain I feel today for these men and their future spouses is a heavy load to carry. Not only is it going to effect my future spouse but theirs as well. Knowing that they didn't wait for their spouse because of the decisions I choose to make in my own selfishness. It brings me to tears everytime I think about it. "Whoa, That sounds painful" Yeah it is. More painful then I ever realized it would be.

"What were you thinking when you were in the middle of doing all of this, why didn't you just stop?" Very good question. I didn't stop because once I started it felt like there was no turning back and for awhile there I didn't want to turn back. After sleeping with the first person, it was kind of like dominos. It got easier and easier to not care, more accuratley it became easier to numb myself from caring. "Numb yourself? What happened when you weren't numb anymore?" Well it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every heart break and attachment I had to each guy was ripping me apart. I couldn't handle it. "What did you do? How did you get through it?" The only way there was to get through it, I cried out to God to take this burden from me. I confessed everything I had done and I came out of hiding little by little. Until finally I was completely out in the open fully surrendering everything and giving my heart to the only one who could make it whole again.

"God actually came to make you whole? After everything you had done he was still there when you needed him.? You did a lot....I wouldn't have been there for you" Ah how refreshingly honest, See thats the thing God never left me. He stood by my side through everything, whispering to me "come back to me, you were made for so much more" over and over again until I was finally broken enough to listen, and then suddenly that whisper became a shout and I could feel him engulfing me with his love. "Well you didn't actually feel it, of course you mean that you finally just understood it, right?" No, I mean I could actually tangibly feel it. It was like a forcefield around me, I could feel his arms wrapped around me. There have been many times in my life when I can feel God wrapping me in his arms, and actually feel them surrounding me. Weird you say? Yes, but totally awesome that I serve a God that can wrap me in his arms, just so I know I am loved. "I think you are a little eccentric" Well you hit the nail right on the head with that one.

"Back to my questions, So he fixed your heart and now you no longer have to feel the pain of your past, is that what you are telling me?" Well no, not exactly. God healed my heart yes, but my pain is still a work in progress. There are still things in my past that when brought to my attention leave me feeling ashamed and saddened at my actions, the difference now is that God holds my heart and whenever I am left with a memory I give it up to him and he can fill me with his grace knowing I have been forgiven. "So where does that leave you now? Have you moved on from those things or do you still slip up and give in?" Funny thing is when I gave my heart to God, he took the desires I had and the temptations I had and replaced them with the desires of his heart. He renewed my mind and allowed me to walk away from my past and into a completely different mindset. I had devalued sex and left it meaningless, but God restoured my thinking and now I treasure this precious gift I have been given, and refuse to scuander it any longer. I do still struggle with attention from men and wanting them to tell me I am worth loving, but God is working on that and it is into his arms that I run when I am feeling low. So that is where I am now, Sometimes feeling low, but always wrapped in his arms.

"I'm impressed, but why do you tell this to people if you don't have to?" Well the reason I want it known is so that other young girls don't fall into the same traps I did when I was younger. God was not keeping me from anything, He was protecting me so that I wouldn't be left heartbroken and desperate like I was. He knew his path was better. I don't want young girls to put themselves in the situations I did, or situations that I was fortunate enough to escape dealing with such as aids, or having a child when they are not ready, and trust me if you just started college, YOU ARE NOT READY! Even more then that though is the brokeness that comes along side it. The flashbacks to nights you don't want to remember, the feeling of regret that pegs you years after you made the decisions. An also accurate description of where I am at now.

"You mean you have flashbacks, to.... to the actual act?" Yes, unfortunately I do. Not only that but all of the feelings that were involved.as well. All the desperation I felt of wanting to make them love me, and all the saddness I felt when it never happened. It leaves me feeling sick. Literally sick, and lately God has been telling me that I need to face this. I need to face the person I was so that I can move past it. Facing it however, is a scary thing. It means admitting how desperate and lonely I was for years. It means forgiving. "Forgiving? I thought you said God already forgave you?" He did, but I haven't forgiven myself, and that is a huge thing that is holding me back from letting it go and walking in the freedom I have been given. It means forgiving myself for all the things I said and did, for all the lives that I have tied to mine, for all of the conversations that these men will have to have with their future spouses that will include me in some way. It means knowing that in most cases I can't apologize to them for my actions. It means facing a person that I don't want to admit I ever was. It means facing my shame and guilt and dissappointment. To look it in the eyes and say you don't have control over me anymore.

"I don't envy you, but I am glad to see God giving you a new life" It is only through him that I have come to this point where I can begin to face the reality of who I was and move forward. He is my source of life and love, and the only thing that gives me my worth!