An interview at 15, 20, and Now.

(I) Why hello there aren't you all just adorable! All three of you. So full of life. Well except you there, yeah you, the one in the middle. The 20 year old You look a little out of it, sad, lonely, confused, and desperate. Hmmm. Thats what we'll call you Desperation, is that ok with you?
(D) Seriously thats what your going to call me? Wow well I can already tell this is going to suck.

(I)Moving right along, You there the first one, your the youngest aren't you?
(ID) Yeah, I'm 15. But my age doesn't really matter, I'm not that young really, I've been through a lot.
(I) Really, you think so? Well were going to call you Innocent Idealist, ID for short.
(ID) I'm not innocent, I know how the world works.
(I) uh huh I'm sure you do, We'll see about that...

(I) Ah, and you there I can see your heart for the first two. You know where they have been and what is in store for them, don't you?
(In) Yes
(I) I can see it hurts you and you feel compassion for them both and where they are.
(In) It is a hard path they have choosen to follow, and it won't be easy.
(I) I see, well, we will go ahead and call you Insight, for I see that you know much of their troubles, more so then they even understand

(ID) What are they talking about?
(D) I don't know, who cares?

(I) Well were off to a smashing start So we'll keep it rolling with my first question, this is too Desperation and ID. How is it that you choose to live your life presently and how do you want people to view you? ID you go first.

(ID) Well, I just want to be the best person I can be, you know by trying to find a way to outshine everyone else. I want everyone to look at me in amazement and awe with how good I am. I want them to know what a set apart person I am, and that I was meant for great things, and I want everyone else to be just like me.

(I) Well, that was honest. Desperation what about you?

(D) I don't know. I don't really care what people think. I am living my life for me so they can just get the hell out of my life if they don't like my choices. I want to be the best at drinking and take the attention away from my friends because people already fill their heads with hot air they don't need more. I want to prove to people I am just as good as them, and that I am just as worthy of their love and attention as anyone else. I try my hardest to be likeable but it never works out how I want so I do pretty much anything in order to feel loved.

(I) Interesting. You say you don't care what people think and yet you live your life entirely for peoples approval. Hmmm... Well Insight Now that you have heard their responses, I would love to hear yours.

(In) Well, I am attempting to live my life in a way that glorifies God, no matter how that looks. I don't accept what is told to me but rather I investigate it through prayer and scripture. I am not perfect and I'm not affraid of showing my imperfection. I don't want to flaunt what I am doing for the Lord but rather to have my life be an example through my actions. I'm not into religion but rather a genuine relationship with the one who created me and I am willing to give my life in order to fullfill his call for me. I am me and I am working everyday on learning to love people right where they are and to show them what life with Christ at the center of it truely means.

(I) Wonderful. So were going to get a little of the basics out of the way. Some foundational questions.
    Do not be affraid to answer honestly.
    Have you ever, drank alcohol, done drugs, or had sex?
    This time we will start with Desperation.

(D) Yes, it's my body and my choice. No one can tell me what is right for me. Alcohol lets me loosen up and have fun rather then being shy. I like that I can just have have a good time without any worries. And Honestly who hasn't ? I mean this is college after all! It's the one time your allowwed to do anything you want without consequences, Why not take advantage of it?

(I) You really think there are no consequences? ...Well, we will come back to that later. ID your response please.

(ID) I would never do any of those things. I am completely above it all. I vowed that I would live my life free from any of those things and I stick to that. I honeslty don't understand why anyone would even want to live a life like that. I don't think very highly of them and am dissappointed in their lack of judgement, there's nothing out there that would convince me otherwise.

(I) Those are some strong words. Insight what are your thoughts on all of this.

(In) Well, I can only speak from what I know. So, what I see here are two people living life the only way they know how. On opposite sides of the spectrum but not as different as they think. Each one is flawed in their thinking.

(I) Truer words have never been spoke, more will be revealed in time, let us continue.
     Where do you see yourself in the next three years? ID

(ID) Well, In the next three years I am gowing to graduate college and go to The Honor Academy, so that I can learn to live life above the influence of the secular world. I want to impact the world for the better and not get caught up in all the pit falls people face. I want to rise above.

(I) Ah, so well mapped out no room for the unexpected. Desperation what about you?

(D) I am going to graduate college in the next three years and hopefully by that time I will have met the perfect man who loves me for just how I am and wants to take care of me and we can settle down and start having a family. The time line is coming up soon so I'm really going to start laying the pressure on the guys I am with, I don't want to be the only one without a husband or family. I refuse to die alone!

(I) To many flaws in that to point out . Now my next question is a little broad, so just answer any way you see fit.
What do you think about church? ID?

(ID) I love church, there is no geater place on this earth! I can spend time with people who are exaclty like me and think the way I do and who love the same things I do. I feel at home and am not affraid to show my true self. Church is an escape where I can feel accepted and loved. I go every week for church, youth group, bible studies, retreats, sunday school, and everything they offer.

(I) An escape for you? Alright Desperation your imput?

(D) I don't feel welcomed in church. It's a place where all of my flaws are pointed out and I am looked down on by the people who "feel comfortable there". It's not somewhere I go often. My life doesn't fit with peoples idea of how a christian should live, so I avoid being around them so I don't have to feel guilty. I just want someone to tell me it's ok to come as I am.

(I) My heart goes out to you Desperation.
     Now I would like to ask you how you view God? Desperation I would like to hear your response first.

(D) To me God is angry and dissappointed. I can't relate to him right now. He wants to much that I'm not willing to give.

(I) ID what about you?

(ID) To me God is my ruler, he tells me what I should and shouldn't do.

(I) I see, Well that wraps up my line of questioning and now I would like to turn it over to Insight in order to tell you the whole truth of who you are and why you are all here. Insight feel free to begin when you see fit.

(In) Thanks,. Well I came here today to connect our three lives and to see how we fit together in this story. You both seem to be opperating under the idea that your stories are completely different and that nothing could possibly connect you to each other. ID you live your life in a way that leaves no room for the people around you to make mistakes. You expect people to be flawless or else they don't meet your standards. You spend all of your time trying to uplift yourself rather then the God you claim to serve. You avoid anyone who has choosen a different path then you, while secretly envying the freedom from rules that they have. Your view of God shows that you believe it is all about the things you do right and wrong rather then a relationship. You think if you mess up that God will not want you anymore. All you want is to be free from the rules that constrict everything you do and to be free to have a life worth living.

Where as you Desperation spend your time avoiding people like ID and therefore run from anything having to do with them, including God. You avoid church to avoid condemnation and you see God as the ultimate condemer who wants nothing more then to punish you for all your mistakes. You cling to people and men in order to feel loved and to find what you are missing out on. You sought after a life you thought would give you happiness by providing popularity and acceptance, all it took was your morals. Now when you look back all you want is some peace and an escape from the partying and empty relationships you cling to for hope but you don't know where to turn.

Your stories are all to similar and there's a reason for that. You are eachother. Each step the other has taken you have also taken. You are just at different points along the same road. ID you are 15 and Desperation you are ID at age 19 and I am both of you at 22. We are one in the same.

At each point we thought we knew it all. And yet what both stages were missing were a true open and honest relationship with our loving God. We missed the point completely. So here is my insight on these two drastically different stages of our lives.

Life is not about pleasing people it is about pleasing God. It doesnt matter what people think about you in  how you live your life. You are to live the life God has laid out for you and sometimes people won't like where it's leading. That does not mean that you write the people off. You learn to love them and the wonderful differences God has blessed you with. Life is not about us, it is about loving those around us with everything we have to give and then somemore. Life gets messy and complicated and just when we think we have it all planned out, it changes. The only way to be exactly where you are supposed to be at any given time is to commit your path to God. What that means is that a lot of the time you will have NO idea what is going to happen. We had big plans when graduating high school to go to the Honor Academy, but we had the wrong motives and it didn't happen and instead we landed at a state school. Where we lead ourselves straight in to the pits we always said we never wanted to be in. We planned our futures once again with the graduating in college starting a family and getting a career. Once again we had the wrong motives and ended up in a state of depression and desperation. Where are we now. Well far from where we planned. Did we graduate college? No, not yet. We dropped out in order to go on a year long missions trip, and what we gained from this whole process was some much needed grace and love! I will no longer live my life to follow rules or to be afraid of my creator but instead to run to him with an open heart and pour out everything I have to him. He is my Best Friend, my father, my husband and anything you could possibly think of. He fills me to the brim and gives me an abundance to pour out on to others. This love is not to be confined to the walls of the church but instead to be poured out onto the people who feel unworthy of it and who are in desperate need of it. The people that we used to be. It is with God's love that we are where we are now and I wil not spend another day waisting that precious gift.

We have been on every side of this crazy experience and we are better for it. I am who God created me to be, baggage and all.

Sex, and Self Worth

Along with everything else in my life, God has been smacking me right across the face with this. "Ouch, God I get it!, could you stop now this is starting to hurt, A LOT" God's response to me, "Good it needs to hurt, that means your finally facing it all, so you can be renewed and move past it" "Alright God fine give me everything you'vve got, I want to be done with this once and for all. SMACK. Wow now that ones a doosey!

Now whats this big doosey I'm talking about? Well that would be dependence, which ultimately leads to self worth. Ouch! Thats a sore subject. Every thought every memory of past relationships with males whether sexual or not, feels like someone poking a bruise you have had for awhile but don't realize it until someone touches it, painful. "You mean your not a virgin?!" Ah shock ....Buckle up it's gonna be a bumpy ride....

Sex. It was a big part of my past, and an even bigger part of my downfall. "Why didn't you wait?" Good question, one which I don't really have a good answer for. "If you really loved God you would have waited" Whoa whoa whoa back up a minute., first of all I loved God, I still do, with all of my heart. Secondly this is not a testament to how much I loved God but rather how much I loved myself at the time. I decided that God was holding out on me by making me wait, and I wanted to experience everything he was keeping me from. I put my desires above God's yes, but I NEVER stopped loving him. Instead I did what Adam and Eve did in the garden when they knew they had sinned, I tried to hide from God. Did it work? No. Did it cause me immense shame? Yes.

"So was this a one time thing with some so called 'love of your life', that hit it and quit it?" Wow, first of all where did you learn to talk like that? and secondly I would actually love to say that was the truth, but no. There was no love involved, there was no relationship involved, there was just sex. "That seems a little vulger, could you use less provocative terms?" No. Sorry but if you want to hear the truth then I am going to tell it to you just like it is. Honest and straight forward. Maybe then I can stop someone from making the same mistakes I did. So either take it how it is or don't listen. "That was a little rude" Hey, I'm just trying to be honest.

"So you were permiscuous?" To put it kindly, yes, thats exactly what I was. I thought I was benefiting myself by experiencing everything I could, drinking, partying, sleeping around. It's all part of college right? NO. This was my life that I was trampling all over it under the pretense that this is what this time is for. Ha. What a crock! " I was destroying myself. The drunker I got the less I cared about what I did and who I did it with. "So, wait now you are a drunk too? You are turning out to be a pretty awful person..." Well I guess I should expect you to be honest with me if I'm going to be honest with you, but that still stings the heart a little.Ok so you say I was an awful person, well to some degree yeah I was. I only cared about what I wanted, and I thought it only affected me. Turns out I was wrong. Go figure.

"Who else did you affect, with your path of destruction?" Ok, ok you don't have to stab the knife even deeper in, I get it you don't think too kindly about my past. I'll let you in on a little secret ...neither do I. back to your question, Well for starters the people around me with the way I talked and acted, and then of course the men involved. The pain I feel today for these men and their future spouses is a heavy load to carry. Not only is it going to effect my future spouse but theirs as well. Knowing that they didn't wait for their spouse because of the decisions I choose to make in my own selfishness. It brings me to tears everytime I think about it. "Whoa, That sounds painful" Yeah it is. More painful then I ever realized it would be.

"What were you thinking when you were in the middle of doing all of this, why didn't you just stop?" Very good question. I didn't stop because once I started it felt like there was no turning back and for awhile there I didn't want to turn back. After sleeping with the first person, it was kind of like dominos. It got easier and easier to not care, more accuratley it became easier to numb myself from caring. "Numb yourself? What happened when you weren't numb anymore?" Well it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every heart break and attachment I had to each guy was ripping me apart. I couldn't handle it. "What did you do? How did you get through it?" The only way there was to get through it, I cried out to God to take this burden from me. I confessed everything I had done and I came out of hiding little by little. Until finally I was completely out in the open fully surrendering everything and giving my heart to the only one who could make it whole again.

"God actually came to make you whole? After everything you had done he was still there when you needed him.? You did a lot....I wouldn't have been there for you" Ah how refreshingly honest, See thats the thing God never left me. He stood by my side through everything, whispering to me "come back to me, you were made for so much more" over and over again until I was finally broken enough to listen, and then suddenly that whisper became a shout and I could feel him engulfing me with his love. "Well you didn't actually feel it, of course you mean that you finally just understood it, right?" No, I mean I could actually tangibly feel it. It was like a forcefield around me, I could feel his arms wrapped around me. There have been many times in my life when I can feel God wrapping me in his arms, and actually feel them surrounding me. Weird you say? Yes, but totally awesome that I serve a God that can wrap me in his arms, just so I know I am loved. "I think you are a little eccentric" Well you hit the nail right on the head with that one.

"Back to my questions, So he fixed your heart and now you no longer have to feel the pain of your past, is that what you are telling me?" Well no, not exactly. God healed my heart yes, but my pain is still a work in progress. There are still things in my past that when brought to my attention leave me feeling ashamed and saddened at my actions, the difference now is that God holds my heart and whenever I am left with a memory I give it up to him and he can fill me with his grace knowing I have been forgiven. "So where does that leave you now? Have you moved on from those things or do you still slip up and give in?" Funny thing is when I gave my heart to God, he took the desires I had and the temptations I had and replaced them with the desires of his heart. He renewed my mind and allowed me to walk away from my past and into a completely different mindset. I had devalued sex and left it meaningless, but God restoured my thinking and now I treasure this precious gift I have been given, and refuse to scuander it any longer. I do still struggle with attention from men and wanting them to tell me I am worth loving, but God is working on that and it is into his arms that I run when I am feeling low. So that is where I am now, Sometimes feeling low, but always wrapped in his arms.

"I'm impressed, but why do you tell this to people if you don't have to?" Well the reason I want it known is so that other young girls don't fall into the same traps I did when I was younger. God was not keeping me from anything, He was protecting me so that I wouldn't be left heartbroken and desperate like I was. He knew his path was better. I don't want young girls to put themselves in the situations I did, or situations that I was fortunate enough to escape dealing with such as aids, or having a child when they are not ready, and trust me if you just started college, YOU ARE NOT READY! Even more then that though is the brokeness that comes along side it. The flashbacks to nights you don't want to remember, the feeling of regret that pegs you years after you made the decisions. An also accurate description of where I am at now.

"You mean you have flashbacks, to.... to the actual act?" Yes, unfortunately I do. Not only that but all of the feelings that were involved.as well. All the desperation I felt of wanting to make them love me, and all the saddness I felt when it never happened. It leaves me feeling sick. Literally sick, and lately God has been telling me that I need to face this. I need to face the person I was so that I can move past it. Facing it however, is a scary thing. It means admitting how desperate and lonely I was for years. It means forgiving. "Forgiving? I thought you said God already forgave you?" He did, but I haven't forgiven myself, and that is a huge thing that is holding me back from letting it go and walking in the freedom I have been given. It means forgiving myself for all the things I said and did, for all the lives that I have tied to mine, for all of the conversations that these men will have to have with their future spouses that will include me in some way. It means knowing that in most cases I can't apologize to them for my actions. It means facing a person that I don't want to admit I ever was. It means facing my shame and guilt and dissappointment. To look it in the eyes and say you don't have control over me anymore.

"I don't envy you, but I am glad to see God giving you a new life" It is only through him that I have come to this point where I can begin to face the reality of who I was and move forward. He is my source of life and love, and the only thing that gives me my worth!