{called}

In a dark coliseum, surrounded by teenagers in silence, watching a video play of all of the nations and their people, I felt a twinge in my heart. A bursting forth of emotions I never knew I had, for people I have never met. It was as if everything in my life had suddenly shifted and I was seeing everything for the first time. I wanted to go, I longed to go, I needed to go. To pour out my love on people, and to experience life fully. The image of childrens smiling faces, and villages searching for hope. I had no choice, I could never go back to the before. There faces were permanently etched into my heart and I knew that my destiny would enevitably be intertwined with theirs. Whoever "they" were.

I left from that conference with a new passion for the world and everything it had to offer. I would spend the next 7 years working, persuading, convincing, and persevering to reach the nations in anyway I could. It didn't matter where I went, it just mattered that I was going. I had a passion that couldn't be quenched and a desire to go further and to reach even more out my comfort zone.

and then it happened......I went to college.
and it was extinguished.
well I guess not entirely extinguished but it was reduced to a flicker.
I was caught up in MY life and what I was doing that I managed to forget about everyone else.
I lost sight of any and everything that mattered to me.
I got wrapped up in drinking and partying.
I was lost, and for awhile there.....I didn't care.
I didn't know how to care, I didn't want to care.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to be irresponsible, and not accountable for my actions.
I wanted to experience everything college had to offer.......


Where did this get me?
Well, heres how it happened. ....

Waking up on yet another morning with a splitting head ache, and not remembering anything I had done or said the night before, I felt fear in the pit of my stomache. Fear for who I had offended, how stupid I had acted and who I would have to apologize to. Stumbling out of my bed to the bathroom I found myself face to face with the girl in the mirror,  into the eyes of a girl I no longer recognized. With makeup smeared across my face and a feeling of numbness, all I could think is "how did I let it get this far?". I looked into the eyes of a girl who wanted more out of life and was sick of living for long nights to see the bottom of a bottle in order to forget about her latest break-up. A girl who looked for her worth in men. Who's heart had been torn out and shredded into pieces far to many times to recount. I was broken.

That same night I found myself in my room on my bed crying out to God. Feeling completely empty and worthless with nothing to offer. I  offered up whatever was left of me and handed it over without hesitation. He was my only hope to recover from four years worth of decisions that haunted me day in and day out. I confessed everything I had done, every feeling I had felt, and every thought I had. I was at the lowest point I had ever been.

It began a long process of giving up who I had been in order to recieve God's grace and start brand new. He covered my past with his love and began to renew my passion and zeal for life. He began to turn my heart towards him and what he wanted for my life. He spoke life into me and renewed my sense of worth. He called me to leave my life behind and follow him.

So, thats exactly what I did.
I stopped drinking and partying.
I moved away from the people I had surrounded myself with for four years.
and I followed him.
I began to dive into his word and to really get to know who he was.
and then it happened.
He called me to a life of more.
He began to place the nations on my heart again and showed me how desperatly they need him.
and he placed the World Race into my life.
Thats when he called me to go, to leave my life behind and give up everything in order to follow him.
So thats what I did.

As i made this decision , it came with a lot of baggage to deal with, and wondering how God could possibly use me, who was so broken in order to fullfill his purpose. How could I possibly be of any use? That's when he spoke to my heart and really showed me that he had set me aside for this purpose from the time I was a child and that me straying wasn't what he had intended for me but that it happened and that I could use my past to glorify him now, by reaching people who feel they are unworthy of God's love. God could use my broken past in order to bring glory to him? What an incredible blessing that he could renew me and use something so tainted in order to bring people into his presence!! He called me to a life of promise and love and reaching the nations and I am ready to step out into what he has willed for my life.

I am not perfect, but God never intended me to be.
My straying didn't ruin God's plan instead he worked it into his plan in order to bring glory to himself.
God loves me with everything he has and wants to give me a life of purpose and meaning.
God does not see my past or my mistakes but instead sees me as his beautiful daughter.

Because of these truths he spoke over me, I am no longer chained to my past, and I am free to live my life in the freedom that God provided for me through his son.

I have been called, and I am willing and ready to fulfill that calling.

So here I go.
11 Countries
11 Months

Staring on January1, 2011
I will be embarking on a journey to follow God and show the world his love and grace that can cover any transgressions. Living out of a backpack for 11 months, sleeping in a tent and ministering to the least of these. My only hope is to follow Gods will and to love his people with an even greater capacity.